Survivor: The Lost Naruto Tapes
by ShikamaruThePineapple
Summary: Shikamaru hosts Ninja Survivor along with several judges. Strange and unexpected things happen when all the ninjas are left alone together on an island. Eeeep. And Neji gets a "lovely bunch of coconuts".
1. Getting There

This is my new fanfic, Naruto Survivor. I am soooooo sorry for not posting in…. ummm… a really long time, but I was too lazy (my penname is **_Shikamaru_**ThePineapple after all). Now I hope I can be able to keep this one up or else you can all send me evil reviews about my laziness. I will not ramble any longer, so here's my new story. Oh, and buahahaha, it's a Shikamaru-centered fanfic.

Survivor: The Lost Naruto Tapes

Chapter 1: Getting There

Shikamaru couldn't believe his excellent luck. Hokage Tsunade had picked _him_ of all the ninjas to host their version of Island Survivor. Now all he had to do was convince everyone to go… on a lovely island vacation and cruise. He decided to begin the recruitments, and then he'd meet with the judges.

He decided to try the Sand-nins first since their apartment was closest. (Tsunade wants all the ninjas in town to go not just Leaf-nins.) About two seconds after he knocked Kankurou opened the door, yelled 'LOOK YOU FRICKIN' GIRL SCOUTS; I TOLD YOU ALREADY: I DO _NOT_ WANNA BUY AN EGGPLANT!', and slammed the door. He knocked again, and this time Temari answered slightly hysterically.

"Oh hello, Shikamaru. Is something wrong? Is it Gaara? What did he do this time? How bad was it? Oh, God I don't wanna move again!" Temari said frantically.

"Oh, umm nothing's wrong Temari. I just have to tell you all something. Can I come in?" Shikamaru reassured her.

Shikamaru came in and waited until all the Sand-nins were seated even Karasu who was missing his bikini wax appointment (though why a male puppet would need a bikini wax I have no idea and don't particularly want to know).

"Okay, this'll only take five minutes tops. Basically, Konoha is inviting you and the rest of the young ninjas to go on a 'lovely island vacation and cruise'. We all hope you'll go." Shikamaru said in another of his famous 'say-it-all-in-one-breath-until-he-turns-blue' talks.

"Oooh, free vacation," Kankurou said.

"Sounds fun and we don't want to insult the Leaf-nins who kindly invited us," answered Temari.

"It'll improve the color of my wood grain complexion," said Karasu.

"Awww man! Do we have to go? You know how I burn easily," Gaara whined though he knew they would go anyway despite his protests.

They all looked up and realized Shikamaru had left while they were talking about it to continue recruiting.Then, they all started packing.

The day of the cruise to the island had finally arrived. Shikamaru made a list of all who were going, to give to the judges they would all meet on the island. The list:

People Going On Survivor:

1.Me

2.Naruto's Team

3.My Team

4.Neji's Team

5.Sand-nins

6.Kiba's Team

7. Nameless Sound-nins

8.Itachi and Orochimaru who stowed away on the boat

Shikamaru looked at everyone. The idiots had no idea they would be seen on TV by millions. He laughed at them quietly, while waving at all the hidden cameras.

The boat left harbor quickly, shaking Itachi and Orochimaru in their hiding place which just _happened_ to be under the bed in Neji's room (Itachi who had a thing for Neji had sort of planned it that way. Ick what a dirty pervert he is).

"Why are we here again?" asked Orochimaru who had no idea that Itachi was actually the leader and not him.

"Because, they didn't bother to invite us on their little vacation and more importantly, Neji's going," Itachi answered patiently.

"…….stupid Neji….." Orochimaru muttered softly so Itachi wouldn't hear.

Meanwhile on deck, Naruto was busy making a fool of himself.

"I WON'T LOSE TO ANY OF YOU!" he yelled loudly (hmmmm… déjà vu? Most likely).

Everyone else just rolled their eyes and got back to relaxing. They would have quite an unpleasantsurprise when they got to the island.

Okay, end of first chapter. There are lots of surprises to come later, so keep reading. Oh, yeah and I need two other people to be judges, so please review saying anything about the story so far and if you want to be a judge. (I'll call you whatever you want even TheDancingPotatoChipFormerlyKnownAsElvis.)


	2. On the Island Round One

Ok… apparently other people had Survivor ideas for Naruto, but I **_swear_** I'm not copying them. I haven't even read them… Also a nice and kind reviewer/new judge #1 has informed me of the Sound-nins' names, because I was too lazy to bother looking them up, so now I will call them by their proper names: Kin (girl), Dosu (Mr. Haystack), and Zaku (The Other Dude). Oh yes, and I have decided that if Shikamaru looks like a pineapple, then Sakura looks like a mushroom. And the Survivor judges will be…. KageOni1 and Deadly Squirell of the Underground. Yay, now for chapter 2.

Survivor: The Lost Naruto Tapes

Chapter 2: On the Island

The ninjas all stared as the ship pulled up to the island. It wasn't exactly what they had expected of the place where they would be vacationing for weeks. Instead of the resort they had been told was there, there were only a few tents for each team. This would not be a pleasant trip.

They all got off the ship and stood before a large platform where three relaxed-looking people (one of which everyone recognized from Gaara's therapy completion party as the girl that glomped Shikamaru) were standing. The first (Deadly Squirell of the Underground: the nice judge to imitate Paula Abdul on American Idol) stood up and began to address the crowd.

"Ok, this isn't the tropical vacation you were expecting, so we all have a confession to make… we lied. You are not here to relax; you are here to compete on against each other in physical endurance and survival training. My fellow judges and I will give you daily challenges and score you for how you completed them. We will also see that you remain safe and play fair."

Everyone muttered softly to themselves, and then Gaara asked the judges:

"Do we get eliminated if we fail?"

"Well, yes, the team that does the worst will have one member voted off of it," answered the mean and nasty judge (me) who was imitating Simon Cowell (Is that how you spell it? I dunno…).

"Yeah, dudes so like do your best so you can like win…" the surfer-like judge KageOni1 said. "So like, first challenge dudes, this challenge will decide like which whole team of dudes gets kicked off the island instead of just one person. You dudes gotta do a race across the whole island over to the camp site where you'll be staying. The last team there will be kicked off the island so like help each other out. Oh, and since Shikamaru's the host, his team only has to get two people to the finish point along with the Itachi/Orochimaru team."

"Ready, set, go!" counted Shikamaru.

Everyone zoomed into the forest to be captured on film by all the hidden cameras and viewed by millions. Gaara and the Sand-nins zoomed ahead on a cloud of sand until Naruto poured water all over them making the sand clump so they had to continue on-foot. Chouji was doing his giant meatball roll through the trees while Ino balanced on top. Suddenly, Kiba took a needle, and popped his ballooney self so they had to continue on foot slowed down a lot by Chouji who was out-of-breath and trying to plug the large hole in his flesh. Naruto's team and Kiba's team were waging an all-out war. Kiba made an illusion of Sasuke wandering in the opposite direction. Sakura of course followed him until Naruto and Sasuke retrieved her. Naruto poured bug spray all over Shino who had to immediately stop and take a bath so the bugs wouldn't die.

Finally they all arrived at the finish point. First it was Itachi and Orochimaru who had swung through the trees using Orochimaru's tongue to swing. Then, it was the Sand-nins who had gotten a head start using the sand. Next, it was the Sound-nins who had moved all the obstacles in their way using sound waves. Then, it was Neji's team who just got there the regular way without any foul play. After that, it was a tie between Naruto's team and Kiba's team who had played dirty the whole way. Last were Ino and Chouji, who had to stop to put a giant band-aid on Chouji's puncture wound.

All of the ninjas watched as Chouji and Ino were escorted away. Nobody noticed that they were put in a hidden sound-proof room where they could watch the show and laugh at all the others. All the ninjas realized that they could lose next and they would have a hard next few weeks on the island.

Ok. That's the end of this chapter. It gets funnier with Itachi and Neji… Oops I believe I have said too much. Don't worry though; I won't let that pervert Itachi take advantage of Neji. Well review well and maybe I'll post again next week.


	3. Things Happen

Ummm… new chapter I guess, though I shouldn't, because I only got 4 reviews for last chapter. Oh well, I'll be nice and post sooner rather than later, but it won't happen again I swear. Sigh I guess I'll get on with it then. Here's my new chapter.

Survivor: The Lost Naruto Tapes

Chapter 3 (For lack of a better name): _Things_ Happen

The night after they arrived at the island, after eating the "Survivor" dinner of coconuts and boiled seawater (they had to eat like castaways too) and falling asleep in 3-man tents for all the teams, Itachi snuck into Neji's tent. Itachi stood over the sleeping Neji watching him sleep peacefully (it would have been an awww, cute moment, but Itachi was getting "ideas"). Suddenly Neji, still half asleep, yelled "EEEEP, SPIDERS!" and grabbed the flyswatter he kept under his pillow (which was for killing spiders since he was terrified of spiders after his fight with the spider guy, Kidomaru) and began smacking what he thought to be spiders, in this case, it was Itachi's face. Itachi quickly ran away.

The next morning, all of the teams gathered on the beach to eat their breakfast (more coconuts…icky. And, gee, somehow Itachi had a black eye…hmmmm). After they finished, KageOni1 briefed them on their daily challenge.

"Like, dudes, today you have to like climb into that tree, swing on that vine and hit this cargo net and hold on. Then, you have to like jump off the cargo net and into the ocean. Oh, and like you dudes gotta do it in like, less than a minute. And the team that does worst gets one member voted off by the other teams."

Teams: ……. stare……..

Somehow Naruto's team went first. Naruto climbed the tree pretty well, but when he went to swing on the vine, he was too busy showing off and he hit the cargo net and just fell off onto the ground. Sakura climbed the tree, swung on the vine, and was about to jump into the ocean, but then she realized that it would mess up her hair, so she refused. Sasuke did the whole course all by himself in 45 seconds and proved that his team was totally useless.

Neji's team was next. Neji completed the course in 35 seconds, and Lee completed it in 37 seconds. Tenten was the only one on the team who couldn't complete it (she was freaked out about jumping from such a tall platform into the sea).

Then the Sand-nins got to show their stuff. Kankurou completed it in 50 seconds (he had some trouble with the tree climbing). Temari finished in 30 seconds, and Gaara finished in a record-breaking 10 seconds (thank you sand power).

Kiba's team went next. Kiba finished in 55 seconds (he sowed off too much), Hinata had less arm strength, so she couldn't get up the tree, and Shino finished in 28 seconds.

Orochimaru finished in 43 seconds (I wouldn't want to go after him… that tongue is gross), and Itachi finished in 23 seconds ('cuz Itachi rox your sox).

All of the Sound-nins (too lazy for names right now) finished in exactly 47 ½ seconds each.

Since Naruto's team did the worst, one member was going to be voted off. When the votes were counted, it was Naruto, Naruto, Naruto, Naruto… (continue with Naruto), Sasuke (from Naruto, duh).

They tried to lead Naruto away, but he refused to go. Finally, they had to call security, which still couldn't get him away until Shikamaru told him that there would be ramen in the hidden soundproof room where they would put him.

Then, after a dinner of gasp more coconuts, all the teams went to sleep…. except Itachi who was planning another trip to Neji's tent and Kiba, who was also planning a trip to Neji's tent… with a pair of scissors.

Hmmmm… What will Itachi do this time? Why does Kiba need scissors for a visit to Neji's? WHY THE FREAK AM I ASKING THESE QUESTIONS? REVIEW to find out, buahahahahahaha!


	4. Kankurou\'s Cooking and the Hyuuga\'s Ha...

Frustration has kept me from updating for a while. I had the whole stinking chapter written out and it was the best so far, and then I cleaned my room and I think I accidentally threw it away, grrr. I bet I'll find it when I've updated the story from memory 'cuz I'm unlucky like that. Oh, and thanks to SNG for the 'Mad Hyuuga Skills' idea.

Survivor: The Lost Naruto Tapes

Chapter 4: Kankurou's Cooking and the Hyuuga's Hair

Kiba hid in the bushes outside Neji's tent about to make his move. He heard a rustling sound nearby and crouched down to hide again. He saw Itachi go into Neji's tent.

_Gee, I wonder what Itachi's doing in Neji's tent… Oh crap **bad mental images**!_

Ten minutes later, Itachi crept out of Neji's tent looking extremely satisfied. Kiba (who didn't know he had only watched Neji sleep) shuddered and was left wondering. He waited until the coast was clear and then crab-walked to Neji's tent while humming the Mission Impossible theme.

He stood over the sleeping Neji (who looked so innocent with his long shiny hair spread around him) and grinned evilly. He raised his scissors to Neji's hair and… **Beep This portion of the fanfic has been censored for its shocking nature by FIB (Fanfiction Investigation Bureau). We will continue spouting official-sounding crap until the author is finished describing said shocking events, which should be about… now. We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.**

Kiba looked back at the now almost bald Neji and left the tent with a smile.

The next morning at breakfast (oh joy, coconuts…), Kiba (who had been telling everyone to look at Neji) took one look at Neji and absolutely freaked out.

"WHAT THE F?" yelled Kiba staring at Neji's long hair.

"What, my hair?" asked Neji. "Oh, yeah, it grew back thanks to my Mad Hyuuga Skill and a little help from my special Herbal Essence conditioner." (Herbal Essence was the first conditioner that popped into my head)

"YOU LYING BASTARD!" yelled Kiba furiously sounding a lot like Naruto. "THAT'S A FREAKING WIG, ISN'T IT!" He then jumped onto Neji's head and attempted to yank the 'wig' off.

"Leave Neji-kun alone!" shouted Itachi who punched Kiba in the face though Kiba miraculously managed to hold onto Neji's head.

"….Meep? Uhhh… was that my fault?" asked Neji whose voice was slightly muffled by Kiba's butt and indicating the gay-man-I-shall-slap-you-girlishly fight between Itachi and Kiba.

Gaara rolled his eyes at the fighting idiots and tried in vain to ignore Kankurou who was poking him incessantly to get his attention. Finally he could stand it no longer.

"What?" snapped Gaara annoyed.

"Well, Gaara… Aren't you sick of coconuts for every meal? Doesn't it get old? Maybe you could ummm ask Temari to cook _different _food." Kankurou suggested. "She always liked you better than me anyway…" he muttered under his breath.

"Oh just do it yourself," Gaara muttered. He thrust a large book called Cooking Gourmet Coconut Dishes For Bakas at Kankurou.

"Awww, man!" grumbled Kankurou. "Where'd you get this anyway?"

Gaara looked sheepish. "Oh, uh, just a bit of light reading, y'know?"

"Fine, but if I cook, then you've gotta fish."

"No way, Kankurou, you do it!"

"You do it!"

"YOU FISH!"

"No, I'LL FISH, Gaara!"

"NO I WILL! … Darn it…" muttered Gaara who glared daggers at Kankurou when he handed him Fishing For Bakas.

After the daily challenge, a game of beach volleyball in which Hinata was voted off (Neji: "One Hyuuga is enough for this island thank-you-very-much!"), Gaara headed sullenly to the beach with a fishing rod. He waited for ten minutes until a fish swam by.

"A FISH!" yelled Gaara and then sighed with disappointment when it swam away.

_Gaara, do you want to know why you cannot catch a fish?_ Asked Shukaku. _It's because you're not getting into character. You know you have to look the part._

Five minutes later Gaara reappeared dressed like those guys on fishing shows in knee high rubber boots tucked into khaki pants, a blue waterproof vest, and worst of all a khaki hat with fishing lures hanging decoratively from the brim. The surprising thing however is that by the end of an hour he had caught enough fish for everyone at camp.

When he returned and gave Kankurou the fish, Kankurou hurriedly shoved him away muttering about working in peace. After twenty minutes, Kankurou brought the fish out on a tray while wearing an apron and asked in an incredibly squeaky voice who wanted fish puffs. Kiba snuck off to Kankurou's tent to play a trick on him while everyone else ate dinner. When Kankurou went to bed that night, he would find the My Little Pony Kiba had put on his pillow and name it Rainbow Stardancer The 48th and put it with all the other Rainbow Stardancer ponies in his collection.

Then Kiba snuck to Neji's tent. He found Neji's Herbal Essence conditioner and poured it out in a bush and then refilled it with a substance from a mysterious bottle which he then threw into the jungle.

Later that night, Gaara found the bottle and read the label. It said:

Nair Hair Remover:

May cause hair loss (duh), itchy scalp, burning rash, death in small rodents with mental disorders, and temporary insanity in those with the rare byakuugan ability

Ok, that's the end of this chapter. Did anyone else notice that this fanfic doesn't really focus on Shikamaru like I planned that it would? Hmmm…weird. Oh well.


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